dramaqueenbhs

Lets101 - Free Online Dating

I agree with this for the most part...besides the outgoing and likes attention part. I hate having attention drawn to me and I am not very outgoing. I thnk eveyrthing else fits to a T!

So, Life is good in general. I have to do a major update...but I havent had time to just sit and write forever. I have rounds in 2 mintes....so eventually I will find time!

So, last night...I got a little drunk. It was my friend Ariel's going away kind of party...within our immediate friends and some others. So, I had a few drinks and stuff. It was a fun night....just being with my family again was really nice.

I started thinking, that this was the first summer I could say that I had fun. This is the first summer I have made plans with my friends and have kept those plans. They didn't cancel on me at the last minute or pick their boyfriend over me. These friends care about me and my feelings. These friends call and text me every week, and we see each other as much as possible. It really clicked in my head that these people are going to be a hue part of my life from now on, and I love them all so much.

So, being in my condition, I decided that I would let my old friends know how I felt. I sent them a text message saying something along the lines of: "Thanks for being such bad friends and making my life hell for 4 years. Thanks you for making me afraid to open up to people, because now I cant open up to the people i know will not hurt me." So I got replies back along the lines of, "Nice to know you are feeling that way" and "what?". So I told Becky, who was all pissed, that I meant that she was a sucky friend, and the I explained that she always cancelled on me and spent more time with someone she supposedly hates, than someone who is supposed to be one of her best friends. She replied with some bulls hit about her being a great friend. I told her she wasn't...and re-explained what I just said. Then she told me we could continue our talk in the morning when I wasn't drunk. and I was like...whatever...Bye bye.
So I told linz pretty much the same thing and then I called her a slut. She asked where that came from. So I told her that it was because she slept with anyone/anything with two legs. She replied with something like, "Everyone has their own opinion and if that is what they think of me, that's fine. I don’t care." So then I ended it.

I haven't heard from either of them today. I have to say that it felt really good to get it off my chest. I wish I had done it sooner. I know that I may have lost them, but what I gained was a sense of self. I gained the courage to stand up for myself and the knowledge of love. My real friends supported my decision, were a little shocked at first, but were glad that I finally did what I needed to do. I know that I may seem like a bitch, but after all the hell they put me through….I deserve a little fun.

I know that I may never hear from them again and they had said that our friendship would last forever. However I now know the true meaning of friendship, and the true meaning of forever.

I just wanted to say that I had an amazing night tonight! I went to club rise with some of my best friends. I had never been clubbing in Denver before and it was amazing. I had so much fun. Even if we did spend the last 10 minutes just taking pictures! It was such a fun night and I realized that these are the things I will remember as life goes on. These are the memories that will last, not the stupid stuff that high school was. My life this past year and in eth years to come is what i will remember.

So we went out dancing because Ariel wanted to. She is leaving for Israel laster this month. So, we're all trying to spend time with her while we can. But anyway...the night was so muhc fun. We danced and took breaks and had fun. Hell, we even talked about stupid stuff like the power rangers. It was funny....it was me, malia, mayra and arturo. We went up to our other friends and were like "It's morphin time!" So that was prety funny. Then we were pretending to morph againa nd mayra was like "wait, which one am I again?" Then we went dancing some more. All in all a good night.....a nice way to see my friends before I go to Miami!


I went into college wanting to make new friends, friends that really understood me and that were like me. I can honestly say I found them. I mean, come on....we can do teh dumbest things and just laugh until it hurts. But we are also there for teh times when things hurt and when crying is inevitable. However, through it all, the bond remains. It's amazing that we all get each other and that we will always be there for one another. We all give and take; it's nice to get back some of what you put in.



My point being...Nights like tonight are amazing!! Amazing friends make amazing memories. It was a nice interlude before my family vacation! I love my friends! (F-L-S........C-HOP)

I quit the process for the sorority. It was a very long week. It has actually just been a very long two weeks.

The wednesday before, the 7th, I was questioned about leaking information regarding the educational process to my friends. So was my friend Malia. We both got warnings since it was our first offense. After that everything continued on like normal.

Well, this past monday, they expelled malia from the process and my friend Ariel, left with her. So, it wa down to four of us. We went on with it and then later, I guess that my friend Vicky came in angry as all hell and confronted the girls. They didnt like that very much and Vicky told them that she didn't want to be associated with teh sorority. They were also picking on my friend Mayra, because supposedly she played a part in all this.

So tuesday, we had a presentation to give after their meeting. It was a long one too...because a lot of the girls showed up to voice their opinions. They must have said something to Mayra because she was crying so hard when we got there. And i guess Vicky gave up her letters that night. Then my friend Ariel wrote a letter expressing her feelings, which they proceeded to rip up. Then our DP( the person incahrge of our process) sat us down ater our presentation to talk about what was going on. Supposedly they had proof about malia giving away infromation on the process...by talking to some of our friends in another fraternity...and those friends discussed our information with their dp...who told his fiancee who is part of teh sorority at the college in colorado springs. The other thing she was doing was sendng e-mails containing information. Then our DP said that Vicky got violent with her the night before and tried to hit her, which is totally unlike vicky. So, then Mayra cam ein and apologized for not being in our session...and the other three girls left were about ot jump down her throat. So, after that our DP read the letter Ariel wrote, well only the parts she wanted to. So after that...I went back ad talked to ariel, mayra, and our friends from the fraternity. We did some research and found out that everything our dp told us was a lie.

So, wednesday...I met with the other 3 girls and they asked me what I thoughht of ariel's letter. They were all apaled and disrespected...even though teh letter wasnt directed towards them at all. So, I told them I thought she handled it very well and professionally. Then they started ganging up on me. I also told them that I was having mixed feelings about teh soroity and that Mayra, Ariel, and Vicky knew about it. They got mad that I went ot the girls I would consider my sisters first before the 3 of them who were going to be my sisters. They wanted to knwo why I went to the others before them and that I wasnt supposed ot be doing that anyway...blah blah blah. So we had session and stuff that night and they kept talking about sisterhood and how it is a strong bond. They also said sisterhood is greater than friendship and that it is something we would treasure. I sat there thinking, I could not build a sisterhood with the 3 girls left. I just knew in my heart that it wasn't going ot happen. I also thought that if something was really bad, I knew I could rely on my friends, Vicky, mayra, Ariel, Malia, Arturo, Michael, Will, Amy and Devon before I could count on the girls in teh sorority. Also, they were out ot get me....why be a part of an organization that doesn't want you. that night I knew that I had to make a decision.

Thursday, I decided that right now, the sorority was not the right thing for me. I did not want ot be manipulated and lied to and I did not want to become the person that lies and manipulates others to get them to believe stuff. I also decided that if they were looking for ways to kick me out, they didn't want me in the first place. which made me wonder because I thought I was a good person and that any organization would consider me an asset. I guess not. I consulted Vicky, Ariel and my Mom and then I called the dp. She sounded mad, but whatever. I just told her that I felt the way I did with drama senior year...that it was more a chore, a burden, then something I wanted to do that made me happy. Also, that my academics are everything ot me and without them I am nothing, so at this point in time, I am nothing because my performance is not what it shoudl be. Then I felt free. I told the girls, who sounded mad, even though they had promised me they would support me in my decision (I mean the 3 that I was left with).

So, nwo my life can return to normal. I can concentrate on school, my friends, and having fun. Thank god I am on spring break right now!

I got the RA position I really wanted!! I am so happy right now!!!!

Comment and I'll give you a letter; then you list 10 things you love that begin with that letter.

Eryn gave me the letter J.....this is a hard one.

Journals- I like to write in my journal, especially when I am feeling so much at one time that I need to sort it out.

Joy- I know it's stupid, but I am enjoying being happy right now. The "joy" that my friends bring me right now is so amazing. I have never felt this way before.

Jewelry- I love to put on fun jewelry on rare occasions. I just love the feeling that it gives me, I feel like a princess in a fairy tale.

Jammin to my music- Music is my life. Just sitting in my room jammin to it is like heaven.

jumping- I love jumping around, especially when I am hyper and out with my friends. I also like jumping when its like jump rope or from the exercise video I do.

Jam- on bagels it is amazing!! It makes them taste so good.

Jelly- on peanut butter sandwiches....especially when there is nothing good in the cafeteria. PB&J has been a favorite of mine since I was little. My grandma would make it for me all the time.

Jeans- I love wearing jeans!! They are soo comfertable...especially cuz now they are starting to fit loose!! :)

July- is usually one of the warmest months here in Colorado. Also the month that so much happens in my summertimes. It is also the month that my Grandma was born.

Junk food- especially chocolate!! It is my weakness, but I have gotten so good that I only have it on occasion....when I feel the absolute need to. and it tastes sooooooo good!

So, guess what I did last night?


I went to a male auction. The gusy that we are friends with auctioned themselves off. It was quite entertaining, they put on a little show...complete with runway walking, talents, and the macarena. It was great fun to watch. It was also fun to watch my RA Ariel go crazy over bidding for pretty much every guy. She wanted all of us to buy one. That didn't quite happen. It was funny because the girls were getting all competetive for the guys. Seriously, 1 guy sold for $100. It was great how the two sids of the room would go back and fourth.

However, while watching I had abit of a dilemma. I think that I am falling hard for a certain guy. He's cute, he's nice, he can sing...he writes his own songs...he sang part of one that made my heart act all funky. And here's the best part: he doesn't know that I exist. Okay, well, he kind of does...but just not in that kind of way. But he is still a typical guy. Why? I guess that he and his brother stayed at a sorority house, got drunka nd slept with the girls. Now, I dont knwo any of these girls, but accoridng to my friends that do knwo them...they are all a bunch of sluts and sleep around like mad. Why is it that guys prefer slutty girls...as opposed to decent girls? and why are all slutty girls some of teh ugliest fuckers in the world, and yet they still have had more guys want them than some nice girl who is fairly attractive. I'm not attractive...but more on that later. So, anyway....my heart is breaking...and it sucks.

On another note. School is going great! So, is the rest of college life in general. i have made so many more friends than I expected and the people that I have made friends with are wonderful. I can totally be myself around them. The best thing is that they are so totally supportive and caring. I feel so lucky to have them in my life. It's nice to knwo that people actually care about me. People that live so close to me. I love this feeling.

So yeah, ia m happy but at the same time...my heart has been split in half. I suppose that's what can be expected. It always happens.

Why are guys so confusing?? I mean seriously, why are they so confusing? why do they make us go crazy wondering if they lie us? why do they give subtle hints, but never do anything? WHY?

So, I went out partying last night. It was a costume party...he he. So, I was a cat...I just dressed up so that I could pay $2. Anyway, night started off pretty good. We got ready at Milia's house...a couple of people had some drinks..I was NOT one of them. I did get offered some, but I declined...cuz I can have fun without drinking. Although I was kind of tempted to try it just to see how I would act. Is that bad?

Anyway, we got to the club....had to wait for FOREVER in the freezing cold. But then we got inside and it was all worth it. 3 1/2 hours of dancing....my feet are killing me today. So, we meet up with our normal group of guys and Michael is of course one of them. The thing was, tonight he didn't seem as reserved around me. He "danced" with me a few times, not like he dances with the other girls, but he did dance with me. He hasn't done that before. He also has started to give me hugs, before we kind of just exchanged glances and mumbled, "hi." But yeah, the whole dancing thing....he would dance with me until some realy slutty girl, or our RA Ariel came around. I feel so bad because I think he likes her, but she has no intent of ever goig out with him or naything. And then, there is me, every guys friend. Although it does pay to have guy friends because they save you from creepy drunnk guys...seriously, this dude came and was all up in my space and then he tried ot grab my ass!! I was appaled....and luckily Michael saw and came and "rescued" me. Then the drunk guy went on to my other friends...who I think one was kinda drunk....so they didnt care. I'm all fro dancing....but seriously...grabbing my ass...ugh...guys are asswholes.

So yeah....anyway...I'm pretty sure that Michael doesnt like me. But he acts so weird around me...and he treats me diferently than all the other girls. It's like he's a more reserved person when I am around. i wonder if its because he knows how shy I am, or because he thinks that I like him, or if its because he secretly hates me. I really don't want to confront him though because I dont want things to get awkward. So, I guess I will just go with the flow.

On a happy note: I aced my History Midterm!!!!! I beat Joe, who thought he was gonna get a better grade than the "smartest person in the dorm". But I beat him!!! Go me. Now if i ca just bring my spanish grade up...and I think I will, cuz I went ot my tutor and he made soo much sense...and then I came home and did some exercises and I understood what the hell i was doing.
Also tomorrow is FRIDAY...which means 2 classes, gym and then HOME!!! I am so excited!!!

So....I realize that I haven't updated in forever ....i feel like I kinda drifted off the face of the earth.

I've been partying it up these past two weeks. Last friday we went to this club called The Spot. Well, it wasn't all that great...the music is what sucked. So, after that we went to IHOP and spent quite a while there. It was fun, especially cuz a big group of us went. It was all the Naco (fraternity) guys and then me, mayra, amy, ariel, devon, vicky, malia, darsella, and danielle. After IHOP we booke dit to malia's house to watch 10 Things I hate about you! Then we came home. I didnt get home that weekend until 4 in the morning. It was pretty sweet.

This thursday night I went Salsa dancing. It was pretty fun! went with the Naco guys who are Arturo, Michael, Nelson, Jesus, Tony,and Valentino. They are pretty nice guys. Also went with Vicky, Mayra, Malia, Devon, Darsella, and a couple of sorority girls. We took the lessons beforehand...naturally my partner was a girl. And then after that we danced our pants off. We stayed out until 2 that night.

Last night (Friday) we went to the NACO party at this bar here in greeley. It was pretty fun, I actually kinda danced with a couple guys, but nothing big. The one guy I wanted to dance with....didn't dance with me. I had a great time though. It was a lot of mexican and reagaton music which is stuff that I like to dance to. Again, stayed out until 3. But it was so fun. There were a lot of hot guys there, only problem is they were hitting on the wrong girls. I got a little annoyed I guess, but oh well. I think I'm gonna stay single the rest of my life anyway....so guys aren't a major concern. Dancing was so fun, but when I got back my feet were killing me. I danced teh whole night only sitting out for a couple of slow songs and one or two rap songs that I didnt like.

So...that's my social life. My love life...is nonexistant. I hate that the one guy that I actually see myself with...is caught up with his ex-girlfriend...and sends me these mixed signals. I just hate guys, I honestly do. Especially after last night...nothing happened to me, but to a close friend of mine. acually this reminded me of a situation I was once in. So, my friend Malia really likes this guy...well, I guess at the after party last night, teh guy she likes slept with her best friend, because her best friend was the one insisting on it. It sucks that guys can hurt us girls so badly. I think of all the times that I have been hurt and it sucks. and at the clubs, when the guy I like dances with every other girl there but me, it makes me think...what the hell is wrong with me? I guess I just feel like there is something wrog with me. All gusy ever see me as is a friend or as their ticket to one of my friends, or their information. I guess that I am tired of feeling that way. i just hate thinking that there is something wrong with me because I have never been involved with a guy. and i know that there are plenty of girls that haven't been....and most of them are so gorgeous I wonder why. I also wonder why my friends, Becky and Lindsay, who are so ugy attract guys and me, who I guess you could say is slightly better looking can't even seems ot attract one guy. I guess that going out make sme realize why I never used to in teh first place. I mean, sometimes i feel like such an outcast.....or I dont feel good about myself. Maybe it is just me....I just wish that some guy would come up and ask me to dance...or that that one guy would just dance with me.

School is going okay. I am doing great in all my classes except Spanish. I have a C in that class which is now probably an even lower C because I got a D on my last test. I am going to get a tutor....and personally I think teh professor hates me. Because on my midterm sheet, he cheked off that my work was of fair qaulity, even though I do all the homework and turn it in on time and complete. Whatever, everyone else who has had hima nd people in my class, say that hes an ass and they hate him. But my otehr classes are great!! I have As in the other 3 and a B in math. so, those classes are going great. They are also the reason that I have been dubbed the "smart one" in our dorm. I kind of like that title. I ahvent been called the msart one since middle school. It feels nice to be the smartest again!!

I think I have bored you all enough for today. Maybe I'll do the same tomorrow....but I just needed to get some thoughts our of my head..even though they will still be there tomorrow. But anyway...again, sorry that this was boring. But I love ya all!!

It's someone's special day today!!! That's right...you guessed it...

IT's INBAL'S BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday dear Inbal
Happy Birthday to you!


I LOVE YOU LOTS!!!!!!

so....College life is amazing! I love it. The dorm is pretty sweet. My roommate is pretty nice. She is hardly ever here. I feel kinda bad because I am usually in teh room when she is and she is always out when I am in teh room. So, I get room time to myself and she doesnt.

But yeah...our room is nice and spacious...I need to get more stuff for the walls....the bareness is driving me nuts. I stil ahve to get used to walking down teh hall to go to the bathroom and shower. But that will come in time, I guess.

Everyone here is so nice. I feel inda bad because people keep trying to include me, but all I want to do is be alone. Yeah, it's been some time and I took a day for myself. But I still feel bad continuing with my life even thoughI know its what she would ahve wanted. I don't know. Also, I just dont like being around people anymore. It's not fun, I do it, but I just dont feel the same way. I stare off into space, I feel isolated and alone.

I love it here, and yeah I know people say to make friends and stuff. But right now, I dont want to do that. I want to do my schoolwork and spend a lot of time with my family. We are all trying to move on. It's so hard. I just want to call my grandma and tell ehr I am okay. But I can't, cuz she is gone. I go to pick up the phoen and then realize that she wont answer. It's really hard. I also know that my mom is struggling and I feel horrible that I cant be there for her.So, thats why every weekend for a while I will be going home. I want to be with my family because it helps ease the pain that I feel in my heart.

This sucks! College is supposed ot be fun. and it is...dont get me wrong I am loving it up here. However, at the same time I am feeling a little down. I dunno, maybe it will go away.

So, I hav had 2 classes and so far, it doesnt seem so bad. We'll see what I think after tomorrow! I have two more classes.

This is my Schedule:

MWF:
8-8:50 Spanish 301
9:05-9:55 History 101

Tuesday/Thursday:
9:30-10:45 Mexican American Studies
12:30-1:45 Math 181

Wednesday:
11:15-12:05- Freshman Seminar

It's pretty sweet!

Love ya all lots and talk to ya later!

So...because I know that you guys care..I'm giving you all an update!

My grandma had teh angioplasty procedure done this morning at 8:00 AM. Yes, they made us wait until today to do the blasted thing. Yesterday was spent with nothing but worry about how she was going to be. I mean, she was stable and looked great...but waiting to hear news about when the procedure would be done was awful. I stayed at the hospital most of teh day and came home at like 8 and fell asleep.

Today...I wasnt allowed to go to the hopsital that she was transferred to, but I did get a call at like 9:45 saying she was okay. She should come home tomorrow and then I probably won't be on cuz I volunteered to stay with her tomorow nighta nd thursday and possibly friday. I figured it's teh least that I can do..she babysat me for 10 years and I am her favorite grandchild...so yeah!

Anyways, like I said, I knew you gusy woould care to hear that I am not a basket case anymore...well, a little less than usual....and that I am still sane. I dont knwo what I would have done if anything had gone wrong!!

But yeah, I feel so relieved right now!!

So I am just writing this quick entry to tell everyone that my Grandma had a heart attck...and I was at teh hospital for quite a while. I will be going back early tomorrow since they are gonna be doing som tests on her to see if she has clogged artery and if she will need surgery.

Katie, I havent gotten to your story yet and I am so sorry...I was expecting to after my scholarship reception, but then we got a call from teh hospital! I promise that after I know whats going on and they let my grandma out (hopefully tomorrow) I will read and review it.

Inbal, thanks for your text...it made me feel better!!

I love ya all and now I gotta head ot bed so i can get up early to go check on my grandma!

(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)

× I miss somebody right now.	× I don't watch much TV these days.	✓ I own lots of books.  (yup, that I do!!)
✓ I wear glasses or contact lenses.  (contacts, but sometimes I wear my glasses)	× I love to play video games.	× I've tried marijuana.
× I've watched porn movies.	× I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.	✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy.  (yeah, pretty much)
✓ I curse sometimes.  (ha ha ha...sometimes...ha ha)	✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.  (yeah, I think you could say that)	× I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.

( it goes on... )

so.we all know that yesterday I cancled on my friend at last minute. They wanted ot go bowling and I went ot with my "college friends" even though I styaed home talking to tippy and inbal. But they dont know that. So at like 2 am, I get a comment on myspace saying hwo sorry they were that I didnt go. I replied by saying that I wasn't and had an amazing time with my college people. SSo naturally..this began war. hey messaged me asking why i was mad. I replied giving them valid reasons. Then they reply back basically saying I am a bitch and a racist. Meh..whatever...we'll see what they say to my response. I honestly could care less because half of what they said is bullshit. They're lying. But hey whatever helps them sleep at night..cuz I slpet great!

But here's their message:

So I feel like you're mad at everyone. You haven't returned anyones texts or answered any calls... You didnt even tell me that you weren't coming today. I'm glad you had fun with your friends from UNC. But I just dont get it...

I'm also confused about your recent blogs.... What do you mean that you weren't your true self in high school. You've been the same ariana for the past 6 years!!!! If the Ariana we all know isn't you then who are you?! And why werent you able to be yourself around the ones that you call your friends?



Here's mine:


well, i didnt return half your calls because I was busy. I was at dinner an then I was at the movies...my phone was on vibrate the whole time. So..sorry about that.

I told Mckenzie that I wasnt going and I got the feeling that she had already told you....so I didn't let you know..sorry.

You're right...i am amd at everyone. I am sick of beig teh friend that always gets blown off. I am tired of always getting cancled on because osmething else is more importtant or someone...like certain boyfriends. I am tired of feelign left out, and like I put more into the friendships than what I get. somtiems I feel like I put so much effort and get so lttle. I love how at the beginning of the summer everyone was like...oh well hang out wheenever we can. But then work and boyfriends became priorities. Work is understandable....but seriously....just because you gusy ahve boyfriends doesnt mean that every minute should be spent with them. Especially when you guys will probably see each other next year (and i know that this doesn't apply to you now...but it did) while all of us FRIENDS are going our seperate ways..off to different colleges. Everyone els has had fun thsi summer...and I haven't....because everytime I make plans...they get cancelled. I got tire dof it...and I honestly didnt know if I would have fun tonight, so when my friend Will called and invited me to dinner and to see POTC I said yes. Not onyl this and I hate to say it, but there are certain people..that would have been playing teh pity card liek they always are. I didnt wanto put up with mood swings either.

as for me being myself the pst six years...I dont think I was. I tried for so long ot be someone well liked...that didnt work. I hate ot admit it but I did act like a white girl...not me, the mexcian me that I was in fort lupton. I realize now that I have been lying to myself. Iahven't been me. and right now...I don't knwo who I am. I am trying to figure that out.

I guess I didnt act like "me" even though I still dont know who "me" is around my friends because I wanted ot fit in. I feel like eveyrthing tht I am is too immature or childish for oyu. You gusy amke fun of my music...yes I like teh backstreet Boys and maybe they're old and out of it....but I like them. Also..I havent done half of the things you gusy ahve and thats what you love ot talk about. Lately, I have been feeling like I barely knwo you guys. I dont knwo why..but I do. And again, I was wearing the mask..i was tryingot be something I wasnt a white girl that fit in. Lindsay made me reazlie that when she basically calle dme it ot my face. And I realzied thats not who I am. That is not what I wanted ot be. I dont want ot be another amanda who uses her heritage to her advantage. She only uses it when necessary....and I dont want o be like that and I have felt that hanging out with you gusy has done that to me. I lost all ties with my mexican side. I miss that side dearly and cant wait to get it back.

I dunno what exactly is wrong with me....I'd like to know...but I dont.




and teh repsonse I got this morning:

OK first off yOU should have stilled called me or texted me or something! It was really rude not to have.

I dont know what you want to be? You say that you were "trying to fit in" or whatever... So what are you doing now!!! Trying to fit in with the Mexicans and latinos. I never thought I would see the day that you would drop all your friends because they are white!!!!!! I'm sorry that us white girls made you feel like you were white.... But personally I think thats bull!!! I think that your just trying to make up escuses, but thats just me....

And as for the work thing, you dont really understand. You dont have a job. We HAVE to have jobs. We all have to have money for college and pay our way through the next 100 years!!!

And the boyfriend thing is bull. Mckenzie and Lindsay bearly ever see their boyfriends!!! I saw Jared all the time... But thats cuz I'm staying at home for college. Kenzie and Lindsay are leaveing in a few weeks and need to spend time with their familys. We all dont hang out that much! This is the first time all summer we all had a chance to get together! I myself go out all the time but thats cuz I dont like to be home. But everyone else spends time with their familys. Not with their boyfriends!!! I havent talked to Molly that much either and neither of us have a boyfriend...

Lastly You can be who ever you want to be! We have never stopped you from being you!! It's you that did that. And thats bull about you trying to fit in with us and us making you feel white!!! I'm sorry, But we are white and it's bull if you're going to dump all of us because of it! And you have to get over the whole Amanda thing!!!! She doesnt just use her heritage to an advantage. Amanda see herself as an AMERICAN!!!! I'm sorry if you dont but thats what we all are. No matter what color our skin or Where our famlies came from! If you want to consider yourself mexican go for it. But thats not who we are in AMERICA!!!! WE"RE AMERICAN!! I can tell you now that if someone with white skin said that they wanted to be more white it would be racist! Why is it not the same for people that have dark skin?! Whatever.. do what you want

Thats all I have to say......


and my response now:

Okay...obviously you don't understand. I am tryig to fit in with the Mexicans and Latinos. Yes, I am. I always wanted to.....but never did over here. They're different here in Brighton. And yeah...i do want Mexcian Friends because I want some friends that I have stuff in common with. It's not that I doont liek having white friends, I do...but I also want friends with my same background.

Amanda is sucha dumbass bitch I wont even go there.

And yeah...I know that you gusy ahve to work. I know that Molly works every single freaking minute of her life. I also know that you and linz do to. I knwo that you ahv ot pay for college, I have ot do the same thing....and I didnt take a jobb this summer because my mom needed me fo rother stuff. Yeah, I ahve been volunteering my time and i knw that doesn't pay money...but i had a job once to pay for stuff...I knwo how important that money is.

Yeah...I know that Lindsay doesnt get to spend al that much time with marcus. and feel bad for her. But kenzie does..and i know she does...I live on tehr same block...I have seen her come ot get Pierce and stuff. And yeah...I understand the families thing....That's what I have been doing all fucking summer!!Yeah,I understand that...and I especially understand becaus Lindsay and Molly are going farther away than me, you or kenzie. But thats anotehr thing...hello..Kenzie and her boyfriend..going ot teh same effin school...stayingin teh same effin building. I'm not dumb. and yeah...I knwo that you hung out with jared alot..when you were together...I never implied that you still were. and honestly i dont care about hanging out...its nto about that. It's about being blown off. I am always teh person that gets blown off. and I was tired of it.

I think thats all for now...I'm not sure...




so, am I wrong....am I bitchy? I mean..I honestly dont see it...but who knows maybe I am soo dumb or racist that I cant notice?

Have you ever had one of those days? You know...where things start off great and then go for shit....well, thats today!

You knwo I had a great morning...vance called...I slept in...everything was going great. Tahn my mom has to start her shit.I made plans with friends and they didnt work out because I was assuming things. Well, you know hwta they say about assuming..and it did make an ass out of me. So my friends wanted to go out staurday instead of friday like I had figured. Well, ia ks my mom because even though I ma 18..I still live in her house and live by her rules. So, i ask and she goe soff on me about always following their schedule and about hwo we had plans saturday...which sure as hell is news to me. So, then I get the lecture about putting my friends first and being their slave. and it drives me nuts. She accepts it when my brother does shit like this or his fucking obsession with pornography and everythign esle. but me, all I want is to hang out with my friends, my bf and fit in and I cant even do that. And she doesn't give a shit about anything and she just doesnt understand me at all. There are so many things that I cant even begin to explain o write about...it sucks.

I am so sick of it and now i dont know what to do....I have a bottle of ibuprofen sitting here next to me and I dont know if I should just end all the misery that I feel now...or wait for later. I mean, seriously, what is so great about this life ayway? absolutely nothing...I feel like i have nothing to live for anymore. I dont know why...I just don't feel good anymore.....I just want the pain to go away....and I dont knwo how to make it go away. I am so sick of feeling this way because she makes me feel like shit and like I suck at life. I honestly don't knwo what I should do....this isn't the first time that suicide seemed like an option....I dunno...maybe I need professional help....or maybe I should just go away forever and never burden anyone with these shitty problems...

Hey everybody!! I haven't been on for quite sometime...well, I have been kinda busy.

Saturday was my graduation party! It was fun, I raked in $1,215, so I can definantly get a laptop and then some.

Sunday was clean-up day and I felt like I was on a hang-over..I was tired!!!

Monday....I went shopping....with vance. It was nice. We just got to hang out and talk which is always fun. We saw some of my other friends while there and it was all just a relaxing day. Of course, later my best friend Kenzie told me that lindsay said that Vance "attcked" her when he saw her. Yeah...uh-huh....right..since I was standing right there...and he really doesnt care for her much anyway. Then I also found out..that Lindsay has been having sex like daily..and without a condom!! I kinda want to see her get pregnant...I know that sounds horrible, but everyone thinks she's a goody-two shoes and she isn't. Plus her parents don't know and I think they should. But I was just like :O....and then I was like, I expected it from her.

Tuesday I went and saw the Omen. It was okay...not as scary as I had hoped. It kinda bored me and I almost fell asleep until my brother poked me and made me jump in my seat.

Wednesday and Thursday I have just been relaxing around the house....and being on the rag. It sucks ass...that is all I have to say!

So, yeah.....that has been my "eventful" week. But the summer is sure ot get better...more movies, especially POTC July 7th, Water world- June 19th and whatever else I get surprised with. Not ot mention I have orientation for college June 14th and 15th. PLUS I got another scholarship yesterday for $1,500. That brings my total for scholarships ot $6,250..which is more than half my tuition whic makes me excited. I only need like $4,000 more and I am still waiting on some big ones! So, Yay college and yay $$ for college!!!

Yesterday, I graduated!!! Yes, I am done with high school and all the shitty things that high school was for me. It was nice. I graduated, got my diploma, went out to eat, then went party hopping with my friends. I was a little dissapointed because I didnt get to go to Vance's. Although we did manage to find each other in the chaos after graduation when we were getting our diplomas. :) And we got a chance to talk and stuff.....=) .....

So yeah, it was okay, but then I had to go back to my family. And back to torture because my dads side of the family..who I cannot stand...showed up and I had to be nice to them. But I made it through..they just congratulated me an dthen they had to leave. I was just like..."go away." I seriously hope they don't show up at my party Saturday because my mom will make me be all nice to them even though she knows that I dont want to have anything to do with them. I kinda hate how she does that. She knows how I feel and she has even felt that way..but then they start to pretend to care again and then she makes me pretend that I like being around them. I have told her too that I am 18 now and it should be my choice about whether I want to see them or not. I don't know...sometimes my mom confuses me. Like she dislikes that side of the family for the fact that they haven't been in my life..but when they do decide to on teh rare occasion I am supposed ot be nice...and I am tired of it.

sorry about that tangent....but I needed to kind of organize my thoughts cuz I am going to approach her about it later.

P.S. Graduation pictures when I get them developed..which should be by friday...probably earlier!

So, I am oficially not busy anymore which means I will be able to talk online and stuff!! I am free!!!!!

So...last night I was on myspace and talking ot my friend Becky, who I haven't talke dot in a while and she totally drop[ped a bomb....well two bombs on me. First that she had sex with her boyfriend of 1 year, 4 months. Then she proceeded to tell me that my "friend" Lindsay tried to have sex saturday night....at her house..with her boyfriend of one month! ONE MONTH!! She didnt suceed because something happened with the condom...thsi part mad eme laugh after barfing. And now come ot find out she plans to lose her virginity graduation night! Also thsi is how stupid she is...she told my best friend that even if she did have sex she couldn't get pregnant or anything because she is on teh pill!

I dunno...I wasn't that shocked...I guess I was more disgusted. Like even with becky...yeah shes been with her boyfriend a while..but she doesnt even knwo if they will last...and now she like hates herself for what she did. Lindsay is the one that I am most disgusted by. She has been going out with her bf just alittle longer than Vance and I have been..and Vance and I haven't even really kissed...like no french....ya know. And my best friend has been with her bf for three months and sex hasn't even crossed her mind...shes about eth same as me and vance. And we're happy the way we are. I guess what disgusts me the most is that lindsay is acting like such a slut when she didnt used ot be. She doesn't care about herself or what others think of her...and she just wants so badly to experience everything that Becky has experienced that she will do anything. It's just sickening that how far they ahve gone is like a competition between them.....I mean, shes having sex just to do it...not because sh eloves teh guy or even thinks she loves him. She is doing it so she can go to college and also to brag to us that she isnt a virgin anymore. It's just wrong. Like I said we've (vance and I) been going out a week less than Lindsay and her boyfriend and we havent "really" , according to peopl's standards, kissed. But we're both okay with that because thats the way we are. Meh, whatever. BTW....she's 18...and he's 16.....is that legal?

Okay..sorry I had to get that out...its' so wrong!

On a lighter note....I got my cap and gown today!!! :) I saw Vance at check-out today....but we both decided to stick with our friends...which was kinda sad..and tehn we were supposed to go to starbucks afterwards..but his parents called and i was needed at work..so we ended up having to reschedule. It's okay...we'll see each other wednesday at the senior breakfast and graduation practice....and then saturday at graduation! I am super excited!!!! After wednesday I will not have ot step inside teh school anymore. And after saturday I will never have to go on that campus again!!! It's so exciting!!!!

Well, i'm out! Love ya all lots!!!

Here is a group picture....
Front Row: Mcknezie (my best friend), Becky, and Me
Back Row: Molly (the moddiest person ever) and Lindsay (the slut)
http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y291/Howiesprincess17/groupprom.jpg

I finally got my professional prom picture today! Woot..I uploaded it so you all could see..it's full length and stuff!




I still have yet to get my pictures with my friends developed.....because I still have yet to watse the film in my camera. I would have wasted some last night...but people like vance didnt show up! I was kinda dissapointed...but oh well, what can you do? I will snag a picture with him and stuff during senior breakfast or at graduation! (PS I stayed in his choir class today and when he left...since we were kinda in front of everyone...he gave me a peck on the cheek...I thought it was sweet)

So...about that....I kinda think that my "friend" is hitting on him again. She has a boyfriend....but sometimes I wonder. I mean she supposedly loves the guy she's with, but she also has a crush on Vance's best friend and sometimes I wonder if she still has a crush on him. I mean Vance is a sweet guy.....but she had her chance and blew it big time...and it pisses me off that now she kinda wants to ruin my happiness....but whatever...I'm a forgiving person....so I'm gonna leave it be..cuz maybe I am overreacting....I guess we'll see

Oh yeah and I am not really happy with her (lindsay) right now anyway. She's been kind of a bitch lately. Like shes been sucking up to the dumbest people and then she basically neglected my birthday and now my friend molly had a birhday today and she got flowers and all this shit....plus she gets a birthday party the 24th. Not once since I have been their friend have I ever gotten a party thrown for me or had my birthday acknowledged by any of them...unless its like a week later. The only friend that I can rely on is McKenzie...my best friend...my other half....she's the only one that isn't a selfish bitch! And I mean...I dont care about teh whole party thing..it's just the fact that they never acknowledge me but I am supposed to acknowledge them and go all out for their birthday! I dunno whatever.

Plus, Lindsay....again with the whole boyfriend dealy..she took him to prom and she took pictures and now she like shows everyone in front of me to like rub it in my face that she took a guy to prom and I didn't. Even though she knows that Vance would have gone if he could afford it and he didnt want me to pay for everything..so money was the deciding factor. Oh well. I mean she has basically had sex with this guy...after they were going out for 3 days! 3 FUCKING DAYS and she let him in her pants!! I'm sorry but that's just sad...I wanted a boyfriend because I truely like the guy..not just so that I could give it up and brag about it....but whatever...what do I know..what does the innocent virgin know about anything??

Okay..sorry about the rant! On to the happy things...today was my last day of high school! I never have to see most of those people ever again in my life!!!!! So yeah..that and the drama banquet are out of my way!!! No more bitchy drama teacher..no more high school drama! It's all done!!! I am excited!!!

Love ya all and thanks for reading my rant!!!